Why Friends Fail During Adversity And How To Prevent It

Nobody ever says good bye any more when they exist your life.  They just stop coming around.  Especailly now, in this economy, when things are rough for you and you're facing a brutal bit of adversity.  Perhaps you lost your job.  Perhaps you're losing your home.  Perhaps you are a struggling self employed person whose sole means of transportation broke down.  Thats an especially bad situation, because, if you are a direct sales person, and your car breaks down you're out of business.  And you know your bills don't know you're out of business, so, they still expect to be paid, or soon you'll lose your home.  So, you begin the humiliating task of calling for a ride, trying to get to that one next appointment where you know you've already made the sale on the phone, and all you basically have to do is collect the money.  And this is money that you need to pay for the car repair so that you can stop calling people.

First, you call your friends who you believe you are the closest to, because, you've done favors for them, they've done favors for you, and so forth..  The usual greetings occur and you feel comfortable telling them what happended.  But, then, before you can get around to asking for their help, they've sensed where you are going and they're off the phone with an excuse of one kind or another.  Wow, thats always like a slap in the face.

Next, you call those you think off as quasi-friends; people you see only every now and then..  These friends are the ones you've helped at some point or other and though you don't talk to them often you feel you have the right to expect some amount of help.  This group of friends know they owe you, but, do they come through?  No, but, at least they stay on the phone long enough to let you ask for their help before they give you the "third-world-shuffle, " where, their excuse for not helping you is because their plight is worse than yours. 

After that, you call the people you know who really are worse off than you, but, who at least have what at best could be called a car.  At this point you're willing to drive around with a stolen car driven by a wanted car thief it will get you to the money.  Of course, for their help you not only have to pay them, which cuts into your repair money, but, you also have to pretend regret for not inviting them to your last party, or for not calling them in a year or two, or for not smoking any of the crack they're smoking as they drive you to your destination, which, is why you never called in the first place.
After all of this you are left to deal with the fact that your friends have failed you.  They did, and the stinging sensation you keep feeling inside is real.  Humiliation without gratification ensures resentment, and you do resent everything you've ever done for them, be it minimal or major.  Even if you let them back into your life long enough to keep you from being lonely until you find new friends, you will remember, and harbor, the hurt. Once you find new friends you are a little wary, because, you never know whose going to need help first, you or them, and whose going to come through the most, you or them.  It gets a bit trying and if you're not careful you can become that person who you see sitting alone at the park every day, -for the last twelve years; distrustful of relationships as a whole.   Still, why do your friends fail you, and how can you prevent it from happening again?  

First, accept that people are flawed.  That makes it easier to forgive and forget.  Sometimes we have trouble prioritizing the issues of our lives, and as so, often miss the opportunities of long lasting relationships due to our own self interests.  Be sure to evaluate your day before you begin each day, and ask yourself if you've left room in your day for emergencies of family and friends.  You can not have that which you do not yourself plan for.  You can not receive that which you do not yourself plan to give.

Next, recognize the state of the economy where you live, and how your friends are responding to it.  This is crucial, for, in economic difficulty those who have gained much in economic stability will soon begin to lose much. Though they may not be in immediate need of your help they willl be less inclined to share what they have with you.  This is true whether you think they have much or not.  It's how they perceive their life in relation to the economic time they live in that determines their generosity, and their perception will effect your life.

One of the most important things to do is to live below your means.  When you call a friend for help, and they've seen you live beyond your means (though they may never say a word to you about it) they will be less inclined to help you.  By living below your means you are less likely to be victimized by a lack of cash, and thus, less likely to have to depend on others.  Even the poorest person you know can live below their means and still be happy in this country.  If possessing HD flat sreens and cable tv define your level of happiness you're going to be sorely disappointed when you die. 

Finally, do what must be done.  If it's to late for the above suggestions, and you're in the midst of friend failure, then, you're going to be humiliated anyway. So, take the plunge and do the following (at least that way you'll get gratification from your humiliation, and feel less sore about rejection);  Pack a big suitcase. In fact, make it the very biggest you have, then, call a cab and have it drop you three blocks from your friends house (if you can afford it, if not skip this step and go to the next).  Walk the distance to your friends house and arrive in seemingly misrable shape.  When they knock on the door swoon a little fiegning mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion (watery eyes work well here, but do not produce tears).  Tell them that you need to move in with them because you're losing your home due to your car being broken and you don't have a ride to your appointment where you have money waiting to pay for the car repair.  It's important that you continously stress that you can't go one more step.  You have to own this to pull it off, but, if you do heres what will happen:  1.) your friend will offer to take you to your appointment (which is what you wanted in the first place.  2.) your friend will let you stay for a few days (free food? yeah, I like it) and,  then, give you a ride just to save their groceries. 3.) if they really can't help you, your friend will call someone to give you a ride just to get your seeming poverty away from them.  Either way your problems solved.  If they turn you away empty handed, then, you know you may have been their friend, but, they were never yours, and go to the next friend and do the same.  Even if they call the next friend ahead of you it really won't matter.  Play it right and the next friend will do even more for you, because theres competition in everything.